Excuses to not be present
I just exploded.
It happens to be just the flavor of rage that my sister used to play on me when I was younger. I never quite get she was hurting. I only remember my reaction to it. Was a brief moment, but now I get that something happened prior to it. Prior to rage theres always a vulnerable point. Something was broken.
I would say that I only believe that an actual experience can give me material for writing, but also the belief that I have to 'write' as usual, in long form. Both of these may not be necessary.
Without those thou, I'm only left with little leverage. No burning questions, so may feel like a detour. And yet, fear comes sometimes from here and there. And, of course, also pain.
”The more present you are, the more it hurts” Decker said once, about the dilemma and choice point of not wanting to be impacted at all times. Excuses to not be present, in his world. And, still encouraging AMP students to be present and aware, rather than not. Awareness as a starting point. Then the template of appreciation and integrity can follow. Thus also the diagnosis.
If I could offer awareness, would be about not wallowing on it, whatever may be the problem or thing that happened. This seems like common sense, but so difficult to apply in the moment. You may feel tricked at the very least.
Experiences happen everywhere. The question is how responsible we can be for those, or how much do we really want to know about them. I suggest a just a diagnosis, not a ‘processy’ conversation about the past to find out that you not even want to talk like that anymore.
I haven been interested enough in my recent experience in bed, wallowing on it. If I had, I would know a little bit on what happened really.
That's the beauty of being present and aware. At least I catch my rage on the moment. And stoped. I knew it was lack of responsibility.
If I would have continued, that would be just being as the people I don’t like.