Rick Arellano

A friend of my dad came to pick some stuff he had left for him. I opened the door and exchange a few comments about the career I'm studying, for a second time as an adult. He says: you are only missing the title, cause you are already an architect.

I took this comments as lighthearted, there's some dint of positivity on them. But I'm weary still not knowing why.

After a year or so, I'm out of the school again. Low energy, and resting but of no particular hard work. I'm foggy.

In any case. I remembered this exchange.

Society is where we prove our parents we are not what they think of us, albeit losers. Or better put, what we think they probably think.

The second attempt was after being in the crossroads of my life. Wanting and being open to receive the world, namely, the new school and the new faces, mixed with some usual suspects.

Now I am like an apartheid, in my own room, which doesn’t feel like mine like my portable devices feel to me.

I cannot solve the societal game in one stroke. It demands sacrifice and continuous attention to our inner world an ideas with the demands of the projects, even when they belong to an artificial context.

My room looks almost the same. And my current question lies in how much can we have real experiences inside the house, facing the same objects that we face everyday. A routine, almost without the world except from media.

My contacts have not make contact for a while.

I have no certain answer to how much I can derive from starting where I am, and going nowhere.

After watching a silly video about giving and living supporting others. I bet the video got me this time. I knew something was wrong still with this one. The guys gives money, food, his force. And the closure is even stranger. He receives a hug and the long term effects of his deeds. Fair.

it's been said that the best way to support ourselves is helping others. In my experience this is false. Like when people calculate his lifestyle costs in order to charge accordingly. Economics 101, but hardly the case.

What's striking to see is that we have fear or the world, but overcoming that fear only leaves us with the indifferent world and the clock ticking against us, so to speak. Nobody even show signs of wanting help. And even if they do we are never really sure.

As in the quote from Carse, 'if we can't tell what happened to us, nothing happened to us' the focus is not on tell, of realize that we live in and can tell stories, but on happened; meaning: receiving and our dependence with each other.

I just had lunch. It was handed to me. It is so commonplace that I almost do not notice anything. Except my anger towards media.

After learning that members of society live in discontent I never wanted to prove my parents anything, aware of the trap. But I might have fallen into a deeper one. I want to prove to myself that I don’t need to prove anything. I ruled out entirely the need to show results.

Grover would say that the only proof is to prove it to ourselves. But that's BS too.

But numbers creep in easily as we share things using media resources. So results also creep in.

I can't be certain of what happens inside the house. Everything seems stable but also a big soup of unknown. I cannot be a seeker here apparently. But outside I cannot be a student, except by paying huge amounts of cash for tuition.

I bet the only way to gauge the passing comments is through seeing if he would say the same thing while not studying. Or if he wants to trust his future project to someone without a title. In fact, probably what he said at the door of the house was saying nothing at all. Keeping things as they were. But I couldn't call this out at the moment. I was not aware of it.

Maybe what happens in relation has to be solved in the moment, no template for further experiences, no templates from the past to sustain.

I've always felt a crippling disadvantage in front of adults. I still feel like a child inside the house of my parents, so this rule keeps true, even when time plays a role is irrelevant for this formula. I've always distrust adults, cause what they say treats things as real, even if they are just communal creations of the mind like a fucking country.

In the house all might be reactions. To our very past in the things we did to the objects around us. Even when nobody around resources will diminish, erosion will enter the door. The clock ticking again. And again irrelevant cause it doesn't distinguishes between inside and outside.

The old knows more than I do about the mechanisms of the world. The emancipated has the right to knock my door and say whatever pleasant thing that renders untrue of things change. And media knocking the door the same way.